I'm weak. I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out. I feel like I mean nothing in this world, like i'm nothing to anyone. I'm stressed and confused. I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. I want to die. I can't tell anyone how I really feel, I can't tell my mom or my brothers. They would all think i'm a psycho, or even better, that this is just a teenage phase. I cry my fucking eyes out almost every night. I feel weak. Sometimes, I think I just won't be able to control myself. I threw a picture frame on the ground last time I felt like this, and rolled my hands in the glass on the floor. I bled like never before, I still have scars. And they hurt, both emotionally and physically. I'm scared to hold a knife in my hand because I think I won't control myself and cut myself. I'm scared to cross railways because I think I will just stand there. I'm scared to walk to the edge of a mountain because I think I will jump. I fear myself. I don't know what I will do, I'm unpredictable to myself. I have days where I wake up and know this is going to be the worst day of my life. I stand up from my bed with tears and walk up to the bathroom, feeling like a zombie. I'm dead inside. When i'm in school, I can't wait to get home, lay on my bed and cry. Fucking cry. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything, I have to hide my feelings in front of my family because I know that whatever I tell them they will not believe me the way I want them to. My boyfriend does. I need him, forever. I have thought about killing myself. I did. But I don't think I would ever be able to do it, i'm too weak. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. Cry so much I can't breathe, my lips go numb and i'm just praying God to not feel anything. I overeat when I feel like this, and then starve myself. And again and again. It's like my ritual now. I stand in front of the mirror sometimes looking at myself crying and thinking about breaking the mirror. I hate mirrors. I talk to myself when I look in them, I tell myself how fucking annoying, weak, fat and useless I am. I smile when I want to die. But i'm tired of that. I want to run away. Forever.
Oh dear, I feel your pain...
ReplyDeleteWe've never met, but I can tell you I've been where you are right now and sometimes I still am.
I found your blog while looking for the words "breaking the mirror", because that's how I feel right now. I tell myself those same things you say: annoying, weak, fat, useless... I understand you way more than you know.
Darling, you are not alone. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and, judging by your post, you might be depressed too. Seek help, please. Don't hurt yourself, don't stand in front of the train, don't jump. You deserve so much better, we all do.
I honestly wish I could help you more. Remember, you are not alone. Hugs...
Truly, you are not alone. I also came accross your blog, i was looking for nail ideas and your post with images of nails came up.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a few months since this post and I hope that things have improved.
But if they have not, that is okay too. They will.
Find something that your passionate about and hold on to it. Never let go of your passions.
I know its really hard to take that first step and ask for help, but trust me it is the best decision you will ever make.
If you are brave enough, talking to your parents about how you feel can be more helpful then you might think - but if not, that's okay too.
You are not alone, remember that. There are hundreds and thousands of people in this world who care about your happiness.