Monday, 21 March 2011

I had to get this out of me.

I'm weak. I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out. I feel like I mean nothing in this world, like i'm nothing to anyone. I'm stressed and confused. I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. I want to die. I can't tell anyone how I really feel, I can't tell my mom or my brothers. They would all think i'm a psycho, or even better, that this is just a teenage phase. I cry my fucking eyes out almost every night. I feel weak. Sometimes, I think I just won't be able to control myself. I threw a picture frame on the ground last time I felt like this, and rolled my hands in the glass on the floor. I bled like never before, I still have scars. And they hurt, both emotionally and physically. I'm scared to hold a knife in my hand because I think I won't control myself and cut myself. I'm scared to cross railways because I think I will just stand there. I'm scared to walk to the edge of a mountain because I think I will jump. I fear myself. I don't know what I will do, I'm unpredictable to myself. I have days where I wake up and know this is going to be the worst day of my life. I stand up from my bed with tears and walk up to the bathroom, feeling like a zombie. I'm dead inside. When i'm in school, I can't wait to get home, lay on my bed and cry. Fucking cry. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything, I have to hide my feelings in front of my family because I know that whatever I tell them they will not believe me the way I want them to. My boyfriend does. I need him, forever. I have thought about killing myself. I did. But I don't think I would ever be able to do it, i'm too weak. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. Cry so much I can't breathe, my lips go numb and i'm just praying God to not feel anything. I overeat when I feel like this, and then starve myself. And again and again. It's like my ritual now. I stand in front of the mirror sometimes looking at myself crying and thinking about breaking the mirror. I hate mirrors. I talk to myself when I look in them, I tell myself how fucking annoying, weak, fat and useless I am. I smile when I want to die. But i'm tired of that. I want to run away. Forever.