I had to get this out of me.

I'm weak. I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out. I feel like I mean nothing in this world, like i'm nothing to anyone. I'm stressed and confused. I want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there. I want to die. I can't tell anyone how I really feel, I can't tell my mom or my brothers. They would all think i'm a psycho, or even better, that this is just a teenage phase. I cry my fucking eyes out almost every night. I feel weak. Sometimes, I think I just won't be able to control myself. I threw a picture frame on the ground last time I felt like this, and rolled my hands in the glass on the floor. I bled like never before, I still have scars. And they hurt, both emotionally and physically. I'm scared to hold a knife in my hand because I think I won't control myself and cut myself. I'm scared to cross railways because I think I will just stand there. I'm scared to walk to the edge of a mountain because I think I will jump. I fear myself. I don't know what I will do, I'm unpredictable to myself. I have days where I wake up and know this is going to be the worst day of my life. I stand up from my bed with tears and walk up to the bathroom, feeling like a zombie. I'm dead inside. When i'm in school, I can't wait to get home, lay on my bed and cry. Fucking cry. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of everything, I have to hide my feelings in front of my family because I know that whatever I tell them they will not believe me the way I want them to. My boyfriend does. I need him, forever. I have thought about killing myself. I did. But I don't think I would ever be able to do it, i'm too weak. Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. Cry so much I can't breathe, my lips go numb and i'm just praying God to not feel anything. I overeat when I feel like this, and then starve myself. And again and again. It's like my ritual now. I stand in front of the mirror sometimes looking at myself crying and thinking about breaking the mirror. I hate mirrors. I talk to myself when I look in them, I tell myself how fucking annoying, weak, fat and useless I am. I smile when I want to die. But i'm tired of that. I want to run away. Forever.

Tumblr!

http://sweetcashmere.tumblr.com/

I have to figure out this blog, it doesn't let me post anymore pictures because they're too big. I have to resize all of them ugh. So for now, here is my tumblr :)


Oh and, THIS album <3

Jewerly box!

I got this beautiful jewerly box from my grandma for my birthday, I love it. I always wanted one with a mirror and places to put my rings in. It's still filling up :)

I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

Goodbye and Hello

Tumblr!

I finally made a tumblr! ..under the same name sweetcashmere :) Please click here.

I'm there for about one hour or less and i'm already annoyed by this:

Mario Testino & Kate Moss - once again.

I have been looking for this book everywhere.
But since it has been such a good seller, the price just increased and is even harder for me to get it now :/


It contains the most intimate and private photographs of Kate Moss and their friendship, plus an exclusive essay by Kate Moss.
This book is Mario’s personal homage to his greatest muse: a young girl that captured his heart and eye with her beauty, humor and spirit, and whose image in his photographs has captured imaginations the world over. 
It really is amazing.







Mario says “I met Kate very early on. Shortly after her first Galliano show I went backstage to congratulate her, only to find her crying: she was disappointed that she had only been given one outfit to model in the show. My answer to her was this: ‘In life there are perfumes and colognes. You need to use lots of cologne as the scent fades away; with a perfume you just use a drop and it lasts all night. You are a perfume, you will go on and on.’ Little did I know just how true that would become! And that I had made a friend for life.”


Kate says “Mario took me to a new level of glamour. I don’t think anybody had seen me as any kind of sexy model before he did. He was the one that transformed me. Before him I was just a grungy girl, but he saw me differently. He was the first to say ‘Oh, she’s quite sexy. I’ve seen her out! I know she’s not just that grungy girl.’ He’d seen me in a pair of heels, getting glamorous – and he was the first to start taking pictures of me in that way. He changed the way people thought about me as a model, for sure. Later other people started working with me in that way, but he was the first.”